Gold Digging for Dummies...

Alright ladies, here it is. The holy grail of dating and using men for their money. Have you ever wondered how you will pay this month's rent or afford the new pair of stilettos you've been eyeing at the mall? Are you gutless and desperate? Can you handle the stigma that goes along with the title? If so, you are on your way to becoming a gold-digger, draped in furs and diamonds or at the very least, set with a full tank of gas. The following is a how-to guide on getting what you want for free (ish).

Step one: Acquire a suitable target. Upscale bars and other establishments are the most promising to find a good gold-diggee. Try to steer clear from any man wearing denim jackets or overalls. Those are two characteristics that will ultimately lead you to a trailer park and a can of Busch Light. And beware of popped collars and boat shoes. While seemingly trendy, they tell tales of daddy's money and a pre-nup. Stay away.You want to look for class. We're talking baby calf-skin jackets and alligator loafers. Sunglasses encrusted with diamonds and pinky rings are also accessories that scream "cha-ching". Remember to take your time. Proper selection is key to a true gold-digging lifestyle.

Step two: Focus first on charming your subject. Bat those eyelashes, nibble on your bottom lip, then casually drop something on the floor--bending over seductively to tease him with your goodies. Did his mouth open slightly at the sight of your booty drop? If so, he's hooked and you can move on to the next step. If not, jiggle the twins a little more or move on to a more interested subject. Remember: while looks are a bonus, they don't fill his wallet with cash. Focus your aim on his checkbook rather than his potbelly.

Step three: Test the water for gold-digging potential. You don't want to invest a great deal of time into a subject that doesn't put out monetarily. Clear your throat and ask what he's drinking. A true gentleman, perfect for gold-digging, will most often offer to buy you a beverage. Test the waters by ordering a premium, top shelf cocktail. But do not go overboard and ask for a double Grey Goose. Ease him into it and save the doubles for date two. If your target does not offer to buy you a drink or scoffs at your high alcohol standards, take this as a clue that Wal-mart may be more his style and that he will not be game to buy you Manolos or Prada. Suck it up as a loss and move on to the next suitable guy.

Step four: Set up for continuation but do not go home with the target. Remember the golden rule: No money, no honey. While this is a give and take relationship, don't give it up until you are confident that he will continue showering you with not only his love and affection, but with credit cards and cash. Check out his car, his house, his job and if possible, his bank statements. You need security that your pampered lifestyle will continue. No one wants to give up the goodies and be left knocked up with a mini-van.

Step five: If you are confident that your target is a perfect gold-diggee, than build the spending momentum by taking a trip to the mall. Breathe admiration of diamonds and couture and sigh sadly as you look at the price tags. A worthy sugar-daddy will whip out his credit card and sign with a smile.

While gold-digging is a seemingly shallow job, you will grow to love your gold-diggee. Trips to the Bahamas and Milan will bring the two of you closer, making you realize that there's more to him than meets the wallet. Shower him with love and kindness and he will be sure to continue to fill your closet and your heart.