Wallie World

I really hate when I have to "run to Walmart real quick." There is no such thing. A trip to good ol' WallieWorld will undoubtedly take at least a half hour. Say I want to get a cd for a friend's birthday which can be found in the electronic department in the back of the store... let the adventure begin.

So I circle the parking lot. No spots. Circle again, oh there's a spot! ...An oldsmobile full of grey haired ladies nabs it first. Being the polite person I am, I refrain from cursing and continue my search. Finally, I find a spot three rows and about 90 yards from the entrance. Once inside I will surely be greeted by one of two employees: a) the archaic 120 year old with a genuine smile or b) a rather uninterested woman whose name tag reads "Queen" and has fingernails longer than my actual fingers. I smile and nod at whichever I get and start my walk to the electronic department.

I must mention that if this were a trip for a larger purchase, such as groceries, we would have encountered one of the worst parts of a trip to Walmart: The Squeaky Cart. Not only will its wheels wobble and turn when you are walking in a straight line, it will sing its proud song of being used thousands and thousands of times. This cart has seen more miles than Dale Jr.'s Nascar Chevy. But lucky for us, we just want a Cd.

But it's a Saturday and there is a table of Brownie Scouts selling baked goods in my path. I don't want a cupcake with a paw print drawn on top. I can see the chubby one looking at them remembering how yummy the icing tasted when she licked the knife that spread it on the treats each time she started a new one. Yuck. I politely say no thanks to the pushy moms and press forward.

Through home appliances and jewelry I go until finally reaching the electronics section. DVDs... ipods... Cds, ok here we go. Toby Keith... Toby Keith... all out. I patiently spend five minutes waiting for an employee to ask if there are more on some shelf in the back while he explains to some dummy how to work a phone charger in their car. There are no more Toby Keith Cds and the next shipment is coming in the next 2-8 weeks. Gee thanks. I settle for Keith Urban and proceed to the checkout.

I'm sure everyone has used the self checkouts at least once by now. They are a truly helpful invention for people who possess a shred of common sense and have small purchases. Of course this is Walmart and people with two carts full of items will use the self checkout, which means more waiting.

As I wait in line behind a mother and son I'm not shocked to see that he starts to beg for candy. He asks his mom for a candy bar and she says no... eight times. He screams and cries and stomps his feet and threatens to run away until she gives in and hands him the Snickers. The lady behind me rolls her eyes in agreement to my smirk reading "That mom is going to be in trouble when her kid becomes a teen." Above the Snickers is a bottle of Advil; I thankfully pick it up and promise my head it will feel better soon.

After proceeding in a timely manner through the checkout all on my own I grab my receipt and bag and head for the door praying the alarm doesn't sound. It does. Queen checks my receipt and without a smile lets me pass. I exhale relief, having survived another trip to Walmart and hurry off to whatever it is that I'm now late for.