Why, why, why, why

Most college students have at least one wild party story they love to tell. It’s that time when things got completely out of hand and their behavior was incomprehensible, even to themselves. After three years of college, I have more than enough of these stories in my arsenal, and more than one make me cringe when recollecting them, which inevitably leaves me asking myself what exactly I was thinking. Fortunately for me, and those I am surrounded by, the cringe-worthy stories are a small percentage of the times that I have had at college with drinking involved, as they only stand out because of the ridiculous behavior and events that took place. I believe and hope that the majority of students do not drink till their beyond smashed on a regular basis either.

Since I work in two bars, I find myself witnessing a lot of these embarrassing moments with my customers, which leaves me wanting to hit them upside the head and ask, “What were you thinking?” I distinctly remember the laughter a psychology professor once drew when she explained to us that alcohol allows you to do or say things that you normally are too inhibited to act on, but it is not the cause of the behavior. Considering this fact, the behavior I see on a regular basis leaves me scratching my head, even considering some of my own less than sober actions, as the outlandish things people do seems ridiculous even after they have done a lot of drinking. At least sometimes it does give me a good laugh at their expense at the end of the night. Sober at 3 a.m., I find no shame in that.

It may have been pure annoyance, or exhaustion, but once working until early in the morning I found myself compiling a list of all the urges that, even while intoxicated, should never be acted upon. Some people have already checked them off their to-do list, but my advice to the smarter drinkers is to go ahead and bypass these.

Never, let me repeat, never, ask a bartender to remove any article of clothing. It may seem as if a sober bartender would want to remove clothing for you in a crowded public place, which is known to be frequented by their boss, but in reality they may find it offensive.

Generally, following the line of “you’re the most beautiful waitress I’ve ever had” by handing the bartender $2 for a tip isn’t going to get you very far. Same goes for phone numbers. I can imagine the look on my landlord’s face when I tell him I’m short on rent, but “…I’m the most beautiful waitress you’ve ever seen.” And by the way, I am not a waitress.

When leaving a bar, if you notice any piece of your clothing happens to be missing, run back and find it quick! If it happens to be an undergarment, run faster. The explanation of a bachelorette party or some such event that led your drawers to be underneath a table will not change the look of disgust on the poor soul’s face who happens to find it.

Don’t argue with the bouncers. This doesn’t lead to our disgust, or annoyance. It’s actually entertaining; so for your own sake, don’t argue. In a bar, the customer is not always right; the sober ones are.

The list could go on much longer, but for the sake of brevity I would love to sum it all by saying use your common sense. However, in a bar sense is rarely common. To be fair, I wouldn’t work as a bartender if the majority of the time I didn’t enjoy the drinkers and the atmosphere that comes with the job. It’s the people who are racking up their crazy drinking stories who leave me singing to the lyrics of Oasis’s Champagne Supernova…”Why, why, why…why”.