Depression. Sympathy. Anger. Repeat: Phew…I guess I’m Normal

Sex Addicts Anonymous was founded in 1977 by sex-addicted therapists, who modeled their meetings after the Alcoholics Anonymous program. The twelve steps and twelve traditions of SAA are virtually synonymous with those of AA, except that SAA has replaced the word alcohol with sex. Also, like AA, it is a spiritual based program and comprises a handful of foxhole Christians.

The meeting starts with a moment of silence for sex addicts who are still suffering, and then the serenity prayer. After readings from texts on sex addiction, the members go around the circle and check in. Their check-ins include their current mood, what they have accomplished recently, and what they are still working on. During check-in members are not to interrupt, ask questions, or give advice; the purpose is for the addict to vent frustrations and for the fellow addicts to listen and relate.

However, members are supposed to interject if anyone discloses names, locations, or websites because that would break anonymity. They are supposed to avoid using the tense “you” and “we” because they are not supposed to talk about others and should take full responsibility for their own actions. Obviously they cannot use profanities or provocative language that could be a "trigger", but most importantly, they are not to speak of felonious behavior in group.

After check-ins they geared the discussion towards me and the other newcomer. They informed us that there are few female members, and warned us not to meet people at SAA for sex. They explained that SAA is not necessarily against homosexuals or fetishes, and the only sex or masturbation they are concerned with is the unhealthy kind. Sex addiction is a toxic thought pattern involving manipulative behaviors, fear, an inferiority complex and abandonment issues. It is often a symptom of greater problems such as obsessive compulsive disorder, mania or coaddictions with drugs and alcohol.

Unhealthy sexual behavior is that which is emotionally destructive and causes guilt, shame, and a feeling of self loathing which only further fuels the compulsion. The “inner circle” of compulsion consists of the activities which are most destructive and must be abstained from. For some members this includes excessive masturbation, extramarital sex, or prostitution, while other’s inner circles range across the entire spectrum of morally reprehensible behavior including erotic torture, nonconsensual sex and pedophilia. The “middle circle” activities and thought processes are not as destructive, but could lead to inner circle activities if not kept in check. The “outer circle” consists of healthy alternatives, which includes productive hobbies, exercise, praying, SAA meetings, or even sex within marriage as long as one is healthy enough to do so.

Newcomers are encouraged to abstain from all sexual behavior for at least ninety days before resuming sex within a healthy relationship. SAA suggests going to least 6 meetings before beginning treatment so that actual level of addiction can be ascertained. Sex addicts go through emotional withdrawals which can last for weeks, and manifest physically. Rather than seeking other modes of medication during treatment, they are supposed to define all three circles and be especially honest with their middle circle activities; the key is to always push for moderation and structure with a conscious awareness of their triggers and capabilities.

Some activities must be completely avoided because they are triggers: driving with no location, having large amounts of cash, surfing the internet. One thing I noticed is that pornography seems to be the gateway drug. At some point they are led to harder and bigger quantities of pornography. Eventually the porn itself is not enough, and they begin to act out on these fantasies which become more and more inappropriate in reality. It is here that sex addicts lose control and are in danger of committing felonious action. Ted Bundy himself said in an interview before his execution that his addiction to hardcore pornography was what led him to murder.

I do not deny my immature and naïve sensibilities: I was afraid I would be wincing every five seconds to hide laughter. I also had an intricate alibi because I was afraid of being exposed as a sex starved amateur desperately trying to absorb their manipulation skills and dirty stories for my own entertainment. But they did not ask any direct questions or talk as if they glorified their own lifestyles. Surprisingly I felt comfortable given the situation; there was a healthy boundary between us, and I did not feel pressured. They just wanted to let me know how the program works so that if I was a sex addict I would know where to find help.

I said “pass” but when the other newcomer shared his story for about fifteen minutes, his legs shook seemingly uncontrollably and his facial expressions fluctuated. I was filled with an intricate and depressing mixture of almost every negative emotion I have ever experienced. As he described horrible things that “tore [his] soul apart, and killed [him] inside” he would tap his fingers and make a petty joke only to fight back tears seconds later. It was at this point that I decided not to disclose personal stories, because I feel it would be unethical, disrespectful and distasteful.

This paper has so much potential for comedic relief its taking will power to be so bland, but I do not doubt the effectiveness of 12 step programs and have seen the benefits of alcoholics anonymous first hand. Somewhere in between the lords prayer and the ending motto “keep coming back – it works if you work it,” I decided that I would be stricken with guilt if I portrayed this institution in terms of Quagmire-style puns, cheapening it into a lighthearted potty joke. There are people there who are recovering, who have years of sobriety, who are trying to help others, and it is not funny to me.

While disturbed and perplexed by some of its members, I respect the program itself. I practiced the 7th tradition of a self supporting group and donated 5 dollars before skating off in a hurry. I can't define how I felt, overwhelmed maybe, I only know I didn't want to be at that church anymore and I could not ever stomach another meeting. Sexual deviance is one of the most difficult behaviors to modify and rehabilitate, and sex addiction is a serious issue. These people are in pain, they are causing pain for others, and they really need help.