Blog In A Nutshell: Stay on I-40, Turn Left at Randall

Once you get onto I-40, you better have used the restroom and taken the other necessary stops because there is not much from this point until you get into Wilmington. For me, this part of the drive is the dregs of the entire trip. Maybe it is the fact that it is the last stretch of highway before entering the glory that is Wilmington, North Carolina.

I once had a friend who made the mistake of taking a bus home from school en route to Annapolis, Maryland. On his way back, he sent a text explaining where he was. It read, “I’m in purgatory, somewhere on I-40.” I haven't heard from him since.

For those of us from the North, I-40 is not the "end all, be all" road to get to college life, it is merely the last stretch. For us out-of-staters who travel on I-95 towards our destination, I-40 is both sweet and sour. Sweet, we are merely two hours away from the wonderful college life. Sour, we are two hours away on top of the six hours we have already been driving. For the commuters who invest in I-40 as a stepping stone between I-95 and civilization, I offer you this caveat emptor.

Unfortunately, having only traveled this road a couple of times, I offer you little in regards to directions. I shall do my best. The area of I-40 which you will travel is your typical boring road designed solely for transport between two cities. Hopes for modernization or taking steps into the 21st century seem to be on the back burner on I-40. The residents along I-40 seem content with mediocrity. Most signs of civilization along I-40 are little more than gas stations. The people at these gas stations are more than friendly in my experience.

In the baking August heat, I entered a gas station with no shirt on my way back to school. I was met with curious glances and raised eyebrows. At the cashier, the lady explained to me that I had to have a shirt on the next time I came in the store. I politely obliged and smirked. Her reply was unexpected. She leaned in, smirked back at me and whispered, “If it were up to me, I’d let you walk around with no shirt on.” She followed it with a wink. Maybe in another life, sweetheart.

Smithfield is a place that will stick out in your mind as you drive by it. You will be tempted with Bojangles. I won’t judge. I advise you to stop by Smithfield because it is most likely your last stop before Wilmington. After discarding your empty Bojangles box at speeds of 80 MPH, you will draw closer to Wilmington.

Mind you, the cops on this road are like sharks. We like to lie to ourselves and say that “they don’t fancy these parts,” or “they won’t go after me,” but in all reality, they are a real threat. Hint: I have heard that if you don’t move, they can’t see you. Was that North Carolina State Troopers or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

By now, you are ready to pull the revolver out of the glove box and pull the trigger to the tunes of some hokey country station but hold strong. A sign reads, "Wilmington: So freakin’ close." You put the gun away, thankful for your hesitant lack of action.

You will pass a giant factory on your left and on through an intersection. I have no explanation for the factory really. I have always questioned it but never thought twice. I always assumed it was something moral and hearty like a genetically modified organ manufacturer. You will pass a gas station on your right immediately after the intersection. Do not try and buy beer there even if you are 37. There is an old hag lady who thinks everyone is under 21 and is using a fake ID.

As you drive over the overpass, a shimmering light will shine upon you. These are the parking lot lights of Wal-Mart, the Mecca of all that is corporation and consumerism. For a brief second as you reach the peak of the overpass, you can practically see the world’s end. That, Pure Gold, and Krazy Horse at the same time. What a glorious view.

As you make your way down Wilmington’s highest summit, you will continue on South College Road towards UNCW. After you pass several shopping centers on both sides, you will see Hardee’s on the left side across the other lane. Slam on your brakes and make a U-turn. Your inclination will be to turn left onto UNCW’s campus but your inclination is wrong. You really want a Hawaiian Chicken Sandwich. Oft times during closing hours, you can give the guy cash, which he will pocket, and he will hook you up with the “throwaway food”.

Turn left onto College Acres Drive. You will pass a large house with several overcompensating assets in the front yard such as a Hummer and a BMW where I once went to a party and drank copious amounts of their alcohol from their fridge after they aggressively tried to charge me cover into their house party. Revenge is a shot best served cold.

You will then come to flashing red lights. Take a right hand turn and continue straight through the next light beside the UNCW water tower. The road will take a curve to the right and you will see a little parking circle, a cul-de-sac if you so please.

Park haphazardly and whip out a sheet of paper and in your sloppiest handwriting write the words, “Went to Student Health Center. Gastrointestinal problems. Come get me and I’ll move.” Now, they will very unlikely check the Student Health Center and you can usually appeal these things so long as you date the note and have a snickers bar handy for special effects. As you exit your car, you will see a beautiful and empty fountain.

Look to the right of the fountain and you will your weary eyes upon Morton Hall.