I Am Still the GIrl I Thought I Would Become

I was told that I would be the “caregiver” for my parents when they got older--I am not quite sure if the reason was because I had attended nursing school, or did I go to nursing school because my parents had prepared me for this role all along? I was the one, however, with the least ambition among my siblings. I did not even plan to leave Suzhou—I loved the city I grew up in and knew it really well, all of my friends were there and, most importantly, I would be the caregiver for my parents. So at the age of 26, it seemed that I just needed to find an appropriate husband, have a child, take care of my parents and my family, and live happily ever after.

Then I met my husband, Jim. He was apparently not the best candidate for that picture—he was older, divorced, and already had children from a previous marriage, but most of all, he was an American. Though I believed he was the perfect one for me, I was not sure that my parents would feel the same.

Although I could have taken the approach of “Hello, Mum and Dad, this is the man I would like to marry. I hope you like him … but sorry if you do not,” I decided not to because I should deal with important issue more diplomatically as I got older, I thought. So I invited some of my best friends out for dinner to consult with them about how to successfully introduce my “future husband” to my parents. After a three-hour dinner and another hour in our favorite coffee shop, we decided on a strategy--talk with my mother first. We believed she was the more open-minded one, especially on issues such as this, since she married my father who was not considered as the perfect candidate by her parents at the time of their marriage.

After casually mentioning to her on several occasions about this great guy I met, I finally told my mother about Jim one night while helping her with the dishes.

“Are you sure he is the one?” her hands stopped moving in the sink.

“Hmm, what do you mean ‘the one’?” I tried to dodge the question.

“Xiaolian, you have been talking about this man for a while, and you do not really do that very often. Either you are stalking him or he is very important to you. Now I am hoping it is the latter,” my mother said as she smiled.

“Yes, Mum.” I admitted, “I think he is the one I want to marry.” I thought to myself at the same time, “We should never think that we are smarter than our parents.”

“Should I go to talk to dad?” I cautiously ask.

“Well, it is probably best to let me talk with your father.” She went back to her dishes.

I was glad my mother agreed to speak to my dad because I did not really want to talk to him about this issue myself. I remembered that he had such a hard time when my sister announced that she was going to marry a student she had met at her graduate school in United States. By my father’s standards, my brother-in-law was a better candidate than my “future husband”--He was the same age as my sister and a Chinese (nothing against Americans, my dad said. If my sister was marrying a Chinese guy, my dad believed, that there was still the chance she would come back home to be with her family). My mother said that my dad could not get over the idea that his oldest daughter would be married and living far away in the United States. After my sister’s marriage, I did not know how my dad would react to the possibility that his second daughter may also marry someone from far away.

A few days later, I received a call from my mother. “Xiaolian, you father and I would like to meet Mr. Long at his convenience. Could you arrange it? We would like to meet him at our home if it is all possible.”

Jim was eager to meet my parents because he believed he understood how my parents felt since he was a parent himself; and he believed he could convince them that he would be the best husband for me because we loved each other deeply. At the same time, he was somewhat nervous—was our love for each other enough to convince my parents, or would there be “secret police” waiting when he stepped into my parents’ house? I did not know the answer for the first question, but I assured him that my parents did not know any secret police--not to mention that China did not have secret police, only had Red Guards during the Culture Revolution.

We set the meeting for a weekend so everyone could be more relaxed. My parents decided for us to have dinner with them, which was a good sign. I told Jim that in a Chinese home, dinner was an “olive branch” instead of an occasion for an extensive “interrogation.” However, when we arrived at my parents’ home, I found that my brother was not there--not a good sign. Usually, my parents sent us children out when they had a “serious” meeting at home.

My mother prepared a delicious dinner—I knew that she had to start the preparation the day before. During and after the dinner, we talked about the weather, everything in Suzhou, and then to where Jim lived and worked around the world. The subject eventually changed to his family and personal life. My parents were polite but determined to learn as much as they could about this strange man from far away who asked if he could take their daughter away. Fortunately, my “future husband” was patient and understanding. He even agreed when asked by my parents to furnish a detailed resume and a map of his home in Brunswick County. I was amazed by his patience as he told me that he often wondered what he would do if someone who came from a thousand miles away asked him for his daughter in marriage. I believed even more that I made the right choice in him.

Only later did I find out that Jim’s resume was sent to my sister in the United States for translation, so my parents could read and study it. In addition, the map was sent to a relative who lives in Washington, DC to verify the safety of the area. I did not really know how effective my parents’ strategy for protecting the daughter they had always considered their “future caregiver.” However, I was glad that Jim’s job lasted for two years in Suzhou, so my parents had the opportunity to meet him often while he was able to get to know them. Ultimately, Jim and I received the blessing from my parents. Nevertheless, before my first trip to United States, my dad gave me some money and told me to keep my passport to myself just in case I decided to go back home without Jim’s agreement (don’t tell my dad my secret: I spent that money and bought a handsome wedding ring for my groom).

I am still the “caregiver” to my parents, though in a more nontraditional way—I call them once a week to discuss family issues and do researches in regarding to their health matters, as they need. I still love Suzhou and communicate with my friends often, through emails. I think I am still the girl I thought I would become, only settled in a different location and with a husband, I love dearly.