I just want to write...

I just want to write. I want to embrace the inner creative genius and write a masterpiece. I want to externalize the million and one thoughts that flow through my brain. I want create a perfect piece of writing. I just want to write.

"Go ahead and write it, then," you might say, or, "Do it, man!" That sounds like a good idea. I sit poolside with my pen and paper with the given task and begin the supposed creation of my personal masterpiece. The conditions are ideal for the creation, comfortable chair, relaxing music, no distractions. I am in the zone. But, nothing comes. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nothing.

I am what I have recently come to realize, a writing perfectionist. I become so consumed with the ideal of creating an amazing piece of writing that I rarely even begin. My thoughts wander. Massive amounts of thoughts concerning what to write about race through my mind. I pick a hundred topics to write on and with each new one, I think, "This is the one, This is it!" All is lost in the chaos of my racing mind. I struggle to take a topic and proverbially run with it. I lose the ability to literally, empty my mind and just let the thoughts pour out. I have so much to say but have no clarity. It becomes a jumbled mess.

The sun shines through the clouds but only for a second as the clouds cover it up for minutes at a time. The process repeats, nanoseconds of sunlight followed by minutes of cloud cover.

This is my brain. Short, impulsive thoughts of a creative genius are followed by long hiatuses of mental struggle. Every now and then, a brilliant light will shine through, but as quickly as it came, it becomes lost in the clouds.

I did not write the last three blogs that were assigned. I wasn't playing Halo. I wasn't watching sunday afternoon football. I wasn't sipping Busch Light on Wrightsville Beach. I was sitting at my computer having a veritable cerebral meltdown trying to find clarity. I was searching for the clarity to write. I was trying to clear away the clouds long enough for something to shine through. Nothing shone through. The clarity never came. Three times.

But, something different happens. I sit at the pool and take all the rubbish floating in my brain and get rid of it. I empty my mind of the junk and let the thoughts pour out, the gold . No confusion, no clouds, no jumbled messes. I start with a sentence that reads, "I just want to write." As if there was a tube connecting my thoughts to the pen, everything just flows out. It becomes clear. Hundred of topics fill the pages. Before, I couldn't take a thought anywhere. Now, each and every thought brings me to another thought that brings me to the next thought. It is a self-perpetuating cycle. I find an infinite amount of tangents

-with
-a
-million
-things
-to
-say
-about
-each.

The shine is beautiful.

Synapses fire. Everything clicks. The pen bleeds my blood, my soul. The sun peers through the clouds. The clouds try to block out the sun. But, when the sun shines, it really shines. My mind frees itself of the mental clouds. I find a way to defeat the mental confusion. Just let go and write. No more clouds.