The Best Roommates Are No Roommates

I have come to the realization over the years that roommates serve no purpose other than to test your boundaries, patience and will to live. I have had the worst: the slovenly slobs, the neat freaks, queens, druggies, ghetto trash, dorks, overconfident idiots and CIA/NSA operatives. What all of these scum have in common is that they are impossible to negotiate with. Their job is to make your life a living hell. From demanding standards to having petty differences such as the “perfect” temperature setting they all thrive on your anguish and suffering.

First are the dorks. These I almost feel sorry for since everyone deep down has a dork inside themselves that they are hiding from the world. I don’t have sympathy for them because when they play video games especially Guitar Hero six hours a day you wonder what happened in their childhood that made them give up on themselves. These guys dance to Jay-Z being played and can’t play more than a handful of overly popular rock bands from the seventies. They worship Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and Deep Purple because it is safe, lazy and requires no effort to branch out and find out what they truly like. These are sadly the future music journalists of tomorrow who hold no respect for challenging the status quo.

They also take pictures of themselves constantly and short of making a scrapbook that would cement their latent femininity they are always talking about their relationship problems or lack thereof. You should keep that stuff to yourself. Would Humphrey Bogart ever complain about a lack of game or inferior women? No, because he didn’t care about the present or future. With these people you have to keep a distance since you don’t want to become like them. You start adopting the habits of any person who you hang around with too much, so be weary. They might mean well but they don’t challenge themselves to be better people, plain and simple. They are the kings of mediocrity, and they are happy being that way.

The overconfident idiot is another type that will destroy your will to live. This is the guy who knows the back-story, answer and reasons to why anything is why it is. They are the kings of bullshit artists because they delude themselves into thinking they know everything about everything. You can’t have a conversation with one of these people without them trying to one-up you and prove they know more than you in any area of expertise. You like film? They know everything about film and such classics to them include Rush Hour, Happy Gilmore and Spaceballs. These are the people that watch Jeopardy and take notes.

I had one idiot always telling me B.S. stories about his days as an EMT. He always had close calls with dying people and unexciting tales that seemed to really interest him and no one else. These people are usually friendly and upbeat at first but quickly get on your nerves so bad that you just want to split their head open. Another trait of these people is that they act as if they have had over 1,000 conquests. They talk and talk of the women they have been with but you never see any around. Then when you yourself bring one to the room, if you share a room, they get jealous and still try to act superior to you. Pathetic. I have learned to deal with this type you ignore them plain and simple since they thrive on attention. Anything they say and do, act unimpressed. You really don’t have to pretend in most or all cases. These people have nothing to offer the world and deserve to be executed, mafia style.

No matter who you have you most likely lose. I have had a few good roommates but that was out of over 20. Sometimes you win most times you don’t. All in all the best roommates keep to themselves, are not obnoxious and can be your friends. As long as you know yourself and what you hate, you will know pretty quickly when to stay and when to leave. All roommates have something about them that will piss you off so the best roommates are no roommates.