Beginner Mind

This is an attempt from me to try recollecting the things I know about Buddhist religion.

Buddha and Zen are synonymous.

Awake at six in the morning on a Monday. I'm my common mindset described best as, "after a long weekend state of mind." I reach across my bed to the bottom corners and sift through some of my books lying in the corner. I have trouble deciding which one I want to feed this early morning coma, it's a transient stage, you're half awake but feel like you are dreaming and any noises you hear may or may not be real, that kind of consciousness. Because I feel dualistic, I grab the white cover with Zen Mind, Beginners Mind Shambhala Library written on the cover.
I think, "Zen trance, an interesting concept and must be confusing to Buddha himself."

The things I have read about Buddhism continuously expand my trouble understanding the dualisitc transient state of being.

It may be the description of life conceptually being that it is what it is. This is how the practitioners and masters ask you to look at life. Say if something exists in your conscious stream of thought, then you must not think about that thought for it has more than one property. The "property" is mainly of confusion as I see it, also it is a certain kind of weight which grips your ability to think, see, and act clearly. Any way, it's awfully, and painfully, and regrettably, and frustratingly more complicated than that. Because in the "beginners mind" it's preached to make sure none of those qualities exist. The zen paradox in my eyes.

The topic of reading I have for the moment requires determination and certain "mindless" concentration. I'm close, I'm reading in the concious like the kind I have when it is six in the morning on a Monday. By mindless, in this case is when the mind should be missing from your reading. An idea that one must rid themselves of all predisposition, starting over, like the mind of a beginner as Buddha sees it.

As I prepare the minds-eye for the universal-directional whim I'll receive from my prefered style of reading. I constantly ask, "will gaining this type of insight, or "enlightenment" help train myself to become a better person, will it teach me to correct then realize the how-to's in getting through life and forgetting about all the inanimate problems and issues of my existance?" The conclusion is to focus on life itself about how lucky we are to be alive- better yet, conscious.

I believe this question would not be answered directly in any reading let alone this reading.

Zen conciousness teaches us to not look for such answers or search for any truth, just exist and be harmonious. A question or problem such as this can only be answered by seeking "it." I think I'm fighting a difficult battle, one with too many complications, too many variables for myself in answering dualistic theory. That is, the beginners mind.

As I read on I'm reminded zen mind is not about answering self-enlightenment questions, or great insightful dominance over fellow man, it is simply balance. The balance is all things exist as one, at the same time exist as different parts, which are in everyday life. The reading describes it like this, "The mind which includes everything, and the mind which is related to nothing." A dualistic nature of our minds that Buddhism teaches us, having these "two" minds will make concentration on single ideas difficult.

I still have many difficulties wrapping my minds fingers around Buddhas conceptual insights or practice beliefs. Honestly, I don't think a word exist that defines what is taught in Buddhism and Zen practice. While I lie in my bed reading these books you can feel and imagine that there does exist such a comfortable existence. I say comfortable to mean frictionless existence. This is enough for me to continue my own practice. Naturally many things along with my maturity must continue to grow in order to understand more of this natural state of being.