Self therapy and a worried state of mind

Something has been happening to me. I don’t know what it is, but I can guess what is causing it. I’ve stopped caring. My friends have recently been bringing up senioritis, but I don’t think that is what I have. It’s not that I don’t feel like doing homework or studying, because that’s what I feel validates me most in life. If I fall behind academically, I’m consumed with thoughts of failing in life. If I could, I’d stay in college forever. I have lots of friends that aren’t in college and they have a waiting job at a nearby restaurant and they know what their schedule will always be. Meanwhile my nights are plagued with homework and stress. I wonder why I would want this life to go on.

I’m planning on moving to England after I graduate and I’m scared it won’t work out. If I really wanted to, I could stay at UNCW and double major or stay for graduate school. But I’m taking a huge risk and moving to a different country. I talk about it a lot, but the more I talk about it, the more I’m not sure if I’m making the right decision.

I’m spending three weeks in England this break and I think it’s going to be my deciding factor as to whether or not I feel I can commit to such an extravagant decision. I’m guessing the reason why I’m not myself is because I’m afraid of making a huge mistake. Will I be ready in January to start the paper work for my living abroad?

I’ve started to gain weight. I’ve stopped going to the gym and I’m splurging on foods I never would have before. I stand in my room everyday for several minutes just staring at the floor thinking, do I get dressed? Do I go run or spend the day in the library or brush my hair? Then I usually get in my bed and take a long nap, thinking it will recharge me, but it only makes me more sluggish later.

I always try to be a healthy person, thanks to my parents. I’m very much emotionally charged, as most females are. If I’m feeling more about something than usual, it lasts for weeks. I’ve only been in therapy once for it and it was a waste of time. I had to go because I was breaking out in hives from stress. But I’ve decided that from now one, I’m going to be my own therapist. If I feel I’m having a problem making a decision like leaving my country next year, I need to sit down with myself and work out all the pros and cons. I need to count backwards from ten when I get nervous and I need to force myself to do things that benefit me. Even simple tasks for other people seem like huge endeavors for me when I’m not at my emotional best. I live alone, so I should start a hobby. I have uneven sleeping patterns, so I should start a schedule and stick to it.

I don’t know if becoming my own therapist will work, but even if it doesn’t, it will be a great way to learn more about myself and help me make important decisions in this crucial time in my life.