The Art of Damien Bowling

The house that I rent has hardwood floors. I do not own a pair of toenail clippers for my dog. My roommate owns a chicken suit. These three facts seemingly have nothing in common. However, they were all essential in the creation of the newest sport to sweep the Wilmington athletic community.

A Quick History

Damien bowling, like all truly great inventions, came to me in a drunken haze. My roommate and I had returned to our house following the bar crawl the weekend before Halloween. I had thrown my costume together in five minutes, but my roommate spent $80 on a full-size giant chicken costume. The one thing he hadn’t counted on was how hot it would get inside six feet of polyester completely covered in feathers. He headed straight for his room, ripped the Velcro backing apart and tossed the chicken suit to the floor and walked into . He was drenched in sweat and it looked like he had spent all day at a water park. Had he gone into his room wearing his costume the great sport of Damien Bowling may have never come to be.

While my roommate was changing in his room, my dog, Damien, was scratching at the door. I let him out and that’s when inspiration hit --I was going to scare the shit out of my dog. I walked over and picked up the chicken suit. The aroma of B.O. hit and immediately sent me back to my high school locker room days. I fought through the overwhelming odor and put the suit on.

I crept out of the hallway and lurked around the corner. I had left the front door open, and now I was waiting for Damien to come back into the house. Damien walked through the door, obviously relieved, and aproached the corner I was hiding behind. I charged at him, screaming as I appeared out of the darkness and the dog took off. He was terrified. He tore through the living room at full speed seemingly oblivious to the limitations of the house. When he caught a glimpse of the far wall, he tried to stop suddenly. His incredibly long and sharp toenails tapped furiously against the hardwood before he slammed face first into the wall. Five minutes later, when I stopped laughing, I came up with the concept of Damien Bowling.

What You Will Need

-A very stupid and easily startled dog
-10 empty 24-packs
-A chicken suit
-Hardwood floors
-And, unless you’re Michael Vick, some cushions to put behind the boxes

How To Play

You will need to consume a lot of alcohol before you get started. Damien Bowling is too asinine of an activity to try to attempt sober. Get Damien drunk as well. His poor balance and flailing limbs will not only be hilarious but it will also help your score. Once you’re a good 8-10 shots deep, it’s time to suit up in the chicken costume. You’ll want to make sure Damien doesn’t see you putting it on or he we be desensitized to the terror of a giant chicken chasing him through the house.

While you’re putting on the suit, have some one else set up the empty beer boxes like a regulation bowling pins. While Damien is still drinking beer out of his dish, throw the door open and charge him. Damien will take off down the hallway, like he always does, and fruitlessly try to stop before sliding on all fours and knocking over beer boxes before slamming into the padding against the back wall.

Your score is however many "pins" Damien knocks over before he hits the back padding. Beer boxes that fall while he is regrouping himself do not count. My best score is eight. I'm still trying for a strike. You can usually only go one time before the dog figures out what’s going on, so you’re basically competing against yourself. There are no winners or losers. Except for Damien. He definitely loses by having me for an owner.