Make yourself

One day, you'll wake up and it will all make sense to you. I've been absolutely tormented in the relationship department for the past two years. It's ranged from insecurity to anger and disappointment. I spent hours wondering what the hell was wrong with me. Why wouldn't it work? What was I doing wrong?

Turns out what was wrong with me ... was what was wrong with me. The constant negative thoughts and self-doubt never gave me a chance.

I adopted the law of attraction about a year ago, which is basically that a positive attitude brings more good things to you and negativity breeds misfortune. To achieve positive results, you have to ‘get clear.’ Getting clear is defining your goals and beliefs while being completely honest with yourself. The problem with getting clear is that deep down in your brain, you’ve taken record of all of the positives and negatives that have ever come from relationships you’ve been in. Though you may say you’re over those things, your mind will subconsciously cause you to sabotage yourself in order to keep life simple.

The roadblock that I created for myself in relationships was based on the fact that my biological parents had the worst relationship on the planet. Their nightly domestic violence ended in a messy divorce and my mom leaving with me. Deep down in my mid, I knew all of the things that happened. I didn't want to give myself a chance to end up in that situation.

It happens all the time, when you don’t even realize it. You can be on a perfect date with someone you’re very interested in, when suddenly, subconscious fear says ‘Hey buddy, it’s time for me to screw this one up for you.’ Three seconds later, you find the story of how you got drunk and hooked up with three girls in one night rolling out.

As she stares back at you with her mouth gaping open, subconscious desire is having a victory parade around your head and screaming, “Wooo! Listen to how much of an intolerable asshole you are! Pour it on, baby. Talk about your resume. Comment on her cleavage. We’re not even giving this girl a chance to rip your heart out. You’ll thank me later when you’re at home alone playing Playstation.”

Another of my old favorites was to find a girl who is genuinely interested, then analyze until you find a flaw that makes her undateable.

Realizing that you’ve been sabotaging yourself isn’t an easy thing to do. You have to sit down and open up those boxes that you tucked deep within your mind, full of all the negative stuff, and find which box is holding the fears. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that you’re unable to grasp a concept that billions of other people apparently have no problem with. When you finally do find that box of terror, usually located around other boxes of terror that you hadn’t even considered, you have to analyze yourself.

What I found was pretty interesting. I found that the person that I was when I arrived at college has long since been hidden behind a wall of bullshit. After getting in and out of a terrible relationship within my dorm freshman year, I had to change for my own sanity. Having many mutual friends, I knew that every time I walked by someone in the dorm they had judged me based on my situation with the ex-girlfriend. Then came times where I’d feel completely isolated because I knew that those same ‘friends’ didn’t believe my side of the story. There were times that I had to hold in a lot of my emotions because I knew that some of those people would reveal secrets no less than two minutes after I told them.

That led me to where I was -- afraid of revealing my emotions because I had an irrational fear that they’d use it against me when our relationship ended. Another problem lies within that, because I went into every relationship with the idea that it would end on bad terms. I’m not saying that I want to get married -- but how are things supposed to go if you’re thinking about the end before it’s started?

I’ve made some big changes in my life recently. I’ve cut out some people that I didn’t think were fitting in well anymore and I’ve taken the time to finally get clear with myself. I’ve pushed aside all of those things and I’ve taken down the walls.

I’m ready to feel all of those things again, finally. I’ve come to realize that a relationship won’t make or break you. Only you can make or break yourself.