Too Busy

Wind. Moonlight. Stars blink. A wave marks its path along the silent beach, leaving sea foam and shells in its wake, changing but constant. I sit quietly, contemplating why I sit here alone and think how my relationship has come to this point. The first date was marked with a quick meeting and then a drive to the beach, laughing, talking. I shift uncomfortably, reseating myself on the dune, the sand contouring to my jeans, reminded that there used to be someone sitting next to me when I would come to the beach. I got up, walked parallel to the water, baby waves teasing my naked feet, jeans rolled up now to escape the clutching fingers of the water. Not too long ago, I had walked in the company of someone else.

The first date or the beginning of the end?

No matter how hard I may have tried, I cannot escape the memory of what once was. The first date, the angst, the excitement, the adrenaline, all came rushing back to me when I walked along the beach alone that night, thinking, where could it have gone wrong? Everything seemed perfect, too perfect, setting the stage for the second date. I stood there and listened, hearing every word that was said and taking the bad and things that made me uncomfortably as sternly as possible. In retrospect, I settle a lot. Why do I do that?

Compromise only goes so far in a relationship. Non-negotiable items are put on the table whereas before, I would never give them a second thought. Now they are at the forefront. In the final throes of a divorce? No way. Have kids, a 2-year-old? Possibly. I do want kids of my own, but not right now. Here I am at square one, letting someone walk into my life that has all the things I did not want to deal with right now. After all, I still need to finish school and I have a possible military career I need to worry about. I can’t age prematurely worrying about someone else’s baggage right? Or is that part of growing up? Is that something that should be compromised on? Odds are, probably not. It’s called settling.

Despite only being 25, I have learned a healthy amount about relationships. I’ve been told to save the passion and the love for when I get older and I need someone to fill that void. One night stands only go so far to fill that void, as does a friend with benefits. Those are for people who don’t want to invest the time and energy into something real, who haven’t quite gotten over their selfish bit yet. I know because I am one of them. As a result, I often settle for trying to date someone who causes me to compromise or sacrifice more than is necessary and fair to me. Yes, I say that I am selfish, but in reality, I am the one who gives up the most. All of this happens because my desire to be happy overshadows any fair logic. I settle, once again.

The final question is - when is it time to step out of the mundane and break the mold? Before I deploy might be a good time, but then again, I have too much going on in my life to worry about something serious.