Therapeutic Advice And Exciting Stories With Dr. John

I am not good with relationships, and the longest relationship I have been in only lasted about three months, but I will share what I have learned anyway. Girls make life a lot more interesting, the highs are more intense and the lows are that kind of crawl-in-a-hole-and-cry kind of mess that you hear about in emo songs. Maybe I’m “whipped,” but I never plan anything so girls always seem to put structure in my life; in the same way an extracurricular activity would, except with more benefits.

One thing I have noticed to be fairly universal amongst the female population is that you should not always buy things for them, never buy all their drinks or pick up their tabs. Not only is this expensive, they assume that you are so desperate for a connection that you think you can buy it. You are not obligated, so don’t: chivalry died around the same time that Elvis did. Some things are just curteous, like opening the door for someone, but paying for a girl's shit is just stupid. Women will lose respect for you while taking your money mercilessly, and what’s worse is that they begin to take it for granted.

The same goes for compliments. The compliment is a double edged sword, it can brighten a woman’s day and put a smile on her face, or it can be meaningless and have adverse effects for you. Don’t necessarily bite when she fishes for compliments. You must smile whenever you give a compliment and speak with confidence or else it is not taken seriously, and you can’t always compliment a girl. Only if she really deserves to be complimented, for example, if she’s obviously spent a long time getting ready, or if she’s done something new with her hair, and you like it. If you give too many compliments they start to lose their value, and they will not take your opinion as seriously, its inflation. Also I believe that most women are socially (or maybe genetically) programmed to please men. Not that everything women do is to please men, I am not really that deluded or chauvinistic, but if you are always complimenting them on the things they do or the way they look, even when they don’t deserve it, then it satisfies their man-pleasing quota for the day or week and you lose influence in the invisible balance of power. For example if she always thinks she looks good, then she won’t try as hard to look good or please you.

One thing that is really annoying is that girls never understand how much I care. I can understand that they probably assume that just because I don’t always show my emotions as much as they do, that I must not have any. So if you really do care you have to let them know, over and over again. If they’re just play things, the trick is to not really say but make them think that you might like them. Same thing if you’re not really sure what you want, and you’re just playing it by ear, but this is really dangerous because you might end up getting attached. If she thinks that you’re just in it for sex then the whole time she’ll be purposely looking for things she really dislikes about you because she assumes you’re going to leave her and she wants it to hurt less when you do. If you change your mind too late and decide you want more than sex, she will be less attached and ironically, you will be the one who gets hurt. If you are treating her like your girlfriend the whole time, and then leave when something better comes along, then you either don't realize how much pain your causing, or you have no ethics.

I really think the best part of a relationship is that first month or so when there are still tons of things you haven’t done, conversations you haven’t had, and that almost comedic butterflies-in-your-stomach kind of sexual tension. But sex changes everything, sometimes I find myself less attracted to a woman after sex, sometimes more. Some women really are nymphos, and they are always one step ahead of you. As a man, it is assumed that I always want sex, but one thing I have noticed is that it is not good to always have sex just because you can. Its exhausting, and also if you start doing this on a regular basis, everyday or several times a day, then the sex gets old really fast, and it becomes more about a compulsive and depersonalized release rather than a truly intimate experience. I know this sounds ridiculous, but in my experience, (which i admit is limited...) it is actually counterproductive to take the "easy outs" so to speak, it feels better to work for it and set the mood, because it creates sexual tension which makes the sex better. If things still feel boring, there are always handcuffs.

Cuddling is awesome, but I can't cuddle all night. I already have insomniac tendencies and girls normally make it worse. Even if I fall asleep on my side, I dont hit REM. I sleep best on my back, with my legs straight out (not interlocking with hers), and my hands crossed against my chest, coffin style. I usually cuddle for an hour tops, then sleep, or else I am a zombie and I try to eat brains in the morning. Remember, all night cuddling is not worth life in jail for first degree cannibalism.

Its frustrating and difficult to walk the line between an emotional guy and a whiny bitch, because you do have to speak your mind and be honest about the way you feel. The last girl I was with was too loud and domineering and was always putting words in my mouth, which is one of the reasons I left. Part of the reason this happened was because i did not voice my opinion enough. She was blind to even the most obvious of my emotions, for example, she was still best friends with her ex boyfriend, and they were always hugging which made me really jealous. I knew they were just hugs, but I still felt like I was competing for her attention. She did not realize how much I hated him as a person, and after I told her, she avoided the two of us seeing each other, and when we did, she was not very nice to either of us. This was actually a great solution, and led to the two of us having a mutual understanding as we saw that neither of us were getting what we thought was too much or treatment, and eventually we became friends. If I had not told her, it would have festered inside and I would have taken it out on her. Also a fight really could have broken out between me and him, and I probably would have died.

They always say the determining factor is the first big fight, which I never survive. Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, I ended because I didn’t want to get dumped myself. Every relationship I’ve ended has left me bitter and resentful for at least a week. Girls always seem to cause a lot of emotional pain for me, but I would not take any of it back, and I know I’ll feel like crap again, but it’s worth it. That’s just life.